Why Women Go Batshit Over Fifty Shades of Grey

Hi fellas, it's me.  I know I've been spending a lot of time and energy writing about health and fitness and weight loss and, well, myself.  I'm my own favorite subject and when you combine that with my affection for hearing my own voice (er, reading my own words?), you end up with a blog by me about me.  But today I'm going to broaden the subject area a little bit so that it includes me but is not exclusive to me.  We're going to talk about the latest reason to buy a Kindle, Fifty Shades of Grey.

First of all, though this should be pretty fucking obvious, there will be spoilers in here.  If you haven't read the entire trilogy (yes, for those of you who don't know, there are three books) and there's even a slight chance you might someday wish to do so, GTFO.  For everyone else, another brief disclaimer: despite the far-reaching title, I cannot hope nor do I wish to represent all women.  I am the owner of a single vagina and while I may empathize with other vagina-wielders, that does not make me a Vagina Master.  Subject-matter pun somewhat intended.

Fifty Shades is a trilogy about a recent college graduate (Ana) who meets a mysterious and powerful young CEO (Christian) to whom she is hopelessly attracted.  The two begin a sexual relationship under the terms of Christian's BDSM contract.  Yeah, I know, just roll with it.  Although Ana never actually signs the contract, the pair explore Christian's kinky desires and begin to form a non-traditional-but-still-more-than-purely-sexual relationship which eventually becomes a fully-realized romance.  They face many trials, both in opposition to one another and united as a couple against outside forces, and eventually fall completely in love, get married, and have kids.  Also, there is a sex scene every fifteen or twenty pages.  Maybe that's an exaggeration.  I'm fighting the urge to go count.

The incredibly sudden popularity of this book (which many attribute to the widespread use of e-readers, which allow for a more discreet reading experience) has made it a common topic of discussion in the media and among friends and co-workers.  It has been dubbed "Mommy Porn" more than once, and when you understand the content of the books, it's not hard to see why.  I myself heard about the series from a co-worker (and shortly thereafter was repeatedly told I should read it by several other friends) and decided that I should essentially read the first book ironically, much like Mark Wahlburg in The Other Guys learning how to dance to make fun of another kid.  I figured I would read it, make fun of the shitty writing, roll my eyes at people swept up in the romance, and move on.  I was wrong...I was very wrong.

The story is completely engrossing.  I've always been a fan of contemporary fiction (unlike some of my English teacher peers, who find themselves more interested in a book the less comprehensible and more archaic the prose is), and I get wrapped up in emotionally-dense dramas fairly easily.  The most memorable book I read before this trilogy was Outlander, and if you haven't read that, well fuckin' A, you have about 800 pages of craziness waiting for you.  I certainly didn't anticipate being just as drawn into the story of Fifty Shades as I was with Outlander, especially knowing that the former had originated as Twilight fanfic.  The popularity of Fifty Shades, despite its rather dark and left-of-center sexual content, is actually very revealing about what many women value and find attractive in a general sense.  I'm not talking about physical characteristics here - in fact, all I know about Christian is that he has copper-colored hair and grey eyes.  Like that's even a thing that happens genetically.  [Side note: According to Wikipedia, Ian Somerhalder has expressed interest in playing Christian Grey in a movie version.  If fucking Boone plays Christian, I'm out.  Fuck that guy.  Michael Fassbender or Ryan Gosling would be fine, of course...I mean, did you see Drive?!?]

What I am talking about are traits in a partner and a relationship that appeal to women (henceforth I will use the broad term without qualifying it with many, but let it be understood that I'm not talking about every single uterus - the same goes for when I say "men").  From here, if you'll go with me, I'll move into list format:

1. Women want to be impressed by you.  This is not to say that you need to be rich or supremely talented or speak 6 languages.  All of those things could count, but they are not a comprehensive list.  Things like generosity, a quick wit, or academic achievements can do the job just as well, provided that you're trying to impress someone who does, indeed, find such things impressive.  A pragmatic, stingy girl will undoubtedly look down on you for leaving an overly generous tip (also, on a related note, be careful about tipping hot waitresses much more than 20% if you're on a date...it's not too much of a stretch to misinterpret that).  In Fifty Shades, Christian is rich, influential, notorious, and very much in charge.  Although Ana isn't in it for the money, she can't help but appreciate that the dude is so successful, and frankly a bad-ass at business.  So, you want to make this desire work for you?
Get Some Tail: play to your strengths, don't be too shy about your accomplishments and skills, take a girl on a date where the activity makes you look awesome (as long as it doesn't make her look un-awesome)
Yeah, But Dude, Don't: act overly self-assured/cocky, compete with your date (at least, not at first and not with any real gusto), focus more on yourself than on your date

2. Women want to feel desired.  This should be pretty fucking obvious, but if my own experience means anything, it's apparently goddamned rocket science.  There are many, many, many ways to let a woman know you want her.  Simple compliments are always a good standby, and can be based on appearance or not.  More complex, time-consuming maneuvers can put a lot of goodwill in the bank - things like elaborate date nights, big surprises, and the like.  If it involves planning, then it counts.  In Fifty Shades, this communication is accomplished most often with a subtle but intense look - there's a lot of eye-fucking in these books, and body language is just as important as spoken dialogue.  Going out of your way to close the distance between you two can translate to I want to be near you.  An intricate home-cooked meal that requires a lot of prep on your part can mean I thought about you all day and did something for the single purpose of making you happy.  And, well, "You look hot" means pretty much what it says.  If a woman is confident that you want to be all up on her, she is much more likely to feel inspired to reciprocate and to allow herself to show you her desire as well.
Get Some Tail: make eye contact with her whether in silence or at significant points in the conversation, be open and honest about your desire for her, use words and touches that make her feel sexy (not self-conscious)
Yeah, But Dude, Don't: give her a compliment and then wave your boner around like you deserve a treat now, talk about how often you want to sleep with her to the extent that she might worry that her libido can't possibly compete with yours, assume that honking her tits every time she walks by is the same as telling her that she's beautiful

3. Women want to feel needed.  Christian in Fifty Shades goes from zero to First Officer Needypants pretty quickly in the series, which Ana seems cool with in general.  In this particular case, Christian's sexual desire for Ana is tied up in his emotional need for her, and her acceptance of this ties into #4.  Of course, all of this is intertwined to some extent, but it's hard to parse out too distinctly in Fifty Shades.  The reason that Christian's need for Ana works so well for both of them is that it's not a burden to Ana.  She does sometimes feel suffocated by Christian's possessive and controlling tendencies - which they discuss and deal with - but in general she is comfortable with how much he needs her because it mirrors her own need.  He operated independently of her before, so he is capable of doing his own thing (and often does, because of his hectic work); at the same time, he would spiral into an emotional hell if he were without Ana permanently, which would be an issue if she didn't feel the same way.  The intense emotional connection that goes beyond passion into true need is shared and is therefore comforting and wonderful.  If she needs you more than you need her, it's incredibly un-fulfilling and damaging for her.  If you need her more than she needs you, it's just sad and emasculating.
Get Some Tail: allow yourself to show her that you are disappointed when she's not available or that you miss her when she's gone, use clear and accurate language when talking about your feelings (if you could live without her just fine, then don't say you can't!), let her take care of you sometimes if she wants to
Yeah, But Dude, Don't: act like you're a child and she's your mother, be overly clingy or needy for extended periods of time, use the fact that you "need" her to justify petulance or bad behavior on your part

4. Women want to fix you.  This is probably the most misguided of all of the things here, and it can encourage really awful relationships to go on way too long.  The tale has been told and retold more times than I can count: man and woman meet, they fall in love, man reveals horrific personality trait (he's abusive or something), woman debates whether to stay or go, eventually the power of her love changes him so that he is now the model partner, everyone is happy forever.  With Ana and Christian, it's at least portrayed warts and all, with Christian's "improvements" coming slowly and after much work with a series of psychiatrists, but it still clearly has the "she loved him so much that he became a stable and loving person" thing going on.  Women want this to be true of all the flaws and fuck-ups they deal with in their relationships.  "If I care for him enough, he won't need to drink so much."  "My love will make him see that he doesn't need to put his dick in anything that moves."  "He won't hit me anymore if I give myself to him completely."  Yikes.  The reality is that everyone has the capacity for change, and that a loving relationship can foster that change, but only if the person in question wants to change.  Someone who likes hitting people isn't going to stop doing it just because you care about that person.  But women are shown, over and over, the fairy tale of fixing a man, which only encourages them to tolerate unacceptable behavior and nag their boyfriends/husbands in the hope of inciting change.
Get Some Tail: uh...I can't really recommend any ways to take advantage of this desire because it would be horrible to do so.
Yeah, But Dude, Don't: let her believe that she's "fixing" you when she's not, tell her you want to change if you don't, wait until she moves in to release the crazy

5. Women are dynamic creatures, and want you to at least understand this, if not be the same way.  In Fifty Shades, Ana is repeatedly surprised when Christian seems to know what her subtle reactions translate to ("she raised an eyebrow, therefore she is jealous but not angry").  She appreciates how intuitive he is with her and becomes frustrated when he is unable to understand where she is coming from.  His mind works so differently from hers sometimes (given that their concerns, histories, and goals are different), they approach the same situations from such different angles that it's hard for them to see eye to eye.  Ana is delighted, however, when Christian takes her feelings seriously and tries to understand her.

This is probably one of the scariest and most frustrating things about women, at least as far as I can tell since I'm not a dude.  If you tell her today that she looks nice, she smiles and is happy.  Tomorrow, you say the exact same words in the same tone, and she snorts and says, "yeah, I bet."  WTF happened?  Well, a whole day happened.  Inside a woman's head, everything is connected to everything else.  That's why a woman will so often tell a story about, for example, buying a can of bug spray but somehow also end up telling you about the terrible headache she had two days ago and the time she saw a co-worker at a restaurant and had that awkward moment where she had to decide whether or not to say hi.  All that shit is connected, if not by direct fact or time, then by emotion or sensory input or words...and at least in a story you can hope to follow those connections.  When it's just reactions and feelings, seemingly coming from out of no where, it can be confusing and even infuriating for the person being reacted to.  Basically, here's the sequence:

Man: Your eyes are beautiful.
Woman: Whatever.
Man: Fuck you then.
Woman: Fuck you too.

What you don't realize from the dialogue is that the man ignored the woman an hour earlier and didn't hear something important she said, and she was annoyed.  He has already forgotten it.  She isn't really still mad about it specifically, but she hasn't warmed back up to him.  He has no idea that his earlier slight has anything to do with her current mood, nor does he see any connection between the two interactions.  They're not related, they have nothing to do with each other, so they exist exclusive of one another.  To her, she has no reason to be warm towards him because he was kind of a dick earlier.  His compliment is meaningless because compliments given from the dog house (whether he knows he's there or not) are inherently manipulative and underhanded.  When he apologizes, or when an arbitrary amount of time has passed, then everything is okay again.  (Of course, the fuck-you interaction is going to extend the amount of grumpy time.)

The basic problem here could be solved by communication (see #6), but the disagreement is still rooted in the fundamental perspectives native to each party.  The issue that I have encountered personally and that seems to be prevalent in pop culture is that the male perspective is considered standard or normal while the female perspective is flawed/crazy/foolish/whatever.  I'm not a hyper-feminist anti-patriarch sort of gal, but it seems silly that in a world where the population is split down the middle between males and females, typically-female traits or behaviors are considered substandard or in need of modification to fit the norm.

[Side note: This discussion brings up a lot of other issues regarding gender identity, society-imposed gender roles versus physical sex, and sooooo many other things, but I'm just not going there.  Again, take the categories with a grain of salt - we all know men and women who behavior counter to or outside of the expectations of their gender, but I'm talking about the majority or average, not the exception.]

Get Some Tail: respect her perspective and feelings (and treat them as valid), tell her openly and honestly when her behavior or words are confusing, do your best to understand where she is coming from (but don't feel bad if you don't)
Yeah, But Dude, Don't: treat her feelings or actions as frivolous symptoms of PMS or some other "chick thing", use the word "crazy" fucking ever, fail to distinguish between a dynamic woman and a psychopath - or it could be your ass

6. Women's vaginas thrive on open communication.  In the same way that it caused Betty Draper's ass to expand to three times its original size, poor communication in a relationship can pretty much halt any bedroom shenanigans.  While there is angry sex and meaningless sex and all those other kinds of fornication, most intercourse is born from a mutual affection between partners.  The more passion people feel for one another, the more boom boom you get in the bedroom.  It is very hard to feel this way if the emotional basis for the relationship is faltering or injured in some way.  While there are many valid and perfectly reasonable excuses to skip a night of lovemaking, like being tired or stressed or busy, there is an easy litmus test to tell if it's "I don't want to bone" or if it's "I don't want to bone you."  Think of an amazingly sexy person that you would totally do if you could (say, True Blood's Eric Northman. Mmm.).  If that person walked in and wanted to get it in, would you be down?  If you answered yes, then I'm sorry, but it is something personal.

That's not the end of the world - in fact, in established, lengthy relationships, it's easy to pass up on sex when you're feeling borderline because, well, you'll have the same opportunity pretty much forever.  No need to pounce now.  That being said, wouldn't it be nice to want to pounce now?  This is where open communication comes in.  When Christian in Fifty Shades starts telling Ana about his dark past, all his fucked up demons and shit, she wants to comfort him.  With her cervix.  It's not the content of his revelations that gets the party started, it's the fact that he's sharing personal feelings with her.  A dude opening up to a chick will light alllllll the candles on her cake, if you get my meaning.  The same goes for having those dreadful relationship conversations where you talk about an argument you had or discuss your feelings or come to some kind of compromise on a recurring disagreement.  The conversations themselves are often painful and uncomfortable.  But afterwards, if the conversation is truly open and everyone walks away feeling heard and respected, the vagina is back on board.  When it is safe to truly commit yourself to a person, to feel passion without fear of immediate conflict or discord, that opens a lot of doors.  And by doors, I mean legs.
Get Some Tail: encourage her to be honest with you about her feelings and concerns (and actually listen), bring up your own concerns in a civil and open way, make upfront relationship-related communication a normal part of your day so you don't have to have huge Talks all the time (a friend of mine calls these "State of the Union addresses")
Yeah, But Dude, Don't: groan and roll your eyes when she says she wants to talk, minimize or disregard her concerns (even if you sincerely think they are trivial), internalize your own concerns in order to avoid conflict

7. Women need to know that they affect you.  When Ana bites her lower lip, Christian is seriously affected.  It turns him on, and he is very clear about this when she does it.  There are many other ways in which Ana affects Christian, but they are all the same - Ana does or says a thing, Christian gets horny/happy/excited/shy, Ana feels a thrill and satisfaction.  This is mainly an issue of ego, I suppose.  In order to feel validated and comfortable in a relationship, a woman will want to know that you care for her as much as she cares for you.  Much of this is accomplished with a simple exchange of words, often monosyllabic.  But beyond that "me too" thing, there is also the woman's desire to have an effect on a man.  This is related to (but not the same as or as harmful as) #4.  There is a lot of satisfaction to be had if a woman can look at her man and say "I did that!" whether that is an erection or just a smile.  Sure, there's something to be said for a guy playing it cool - after all, a first date is hardly the time to whip out your schlong and cry, "See what you've done to me?!?"  But once emotions are involved and there's a relationship to speak of, it's time to let your guard down a bit.  Part of this is simply sharing the feelings you would normally omit from conversation because they are embarrassing or irrelevant.  Telling your lady friend that you missed her, or that you thought of her when so-and-so did such-and-such thing, or that you're really glad she did whatever thing she did...all of those let her know that she's under your skin to some extent, in a good way.  Some of that comes from, I think, a desire to have power over a partner who is perceived to be stronger/bigger/in charge.  You could also consider those feelings to be the symptoms of their love, if that makes sense - you can tell a woman over and over that you love her, but if you don't show it, she'll doubt you.  Showing it doesn't mean flowers every day, or at least it doesn't have to; showing your love means (in this case) revealing things about yourself that demonstrate how affected you are by her and her love.
Get Some Tail: articulate to her how your life is better in a specific way now that she is in it, allow her to see your reactions to her (if you're playing video games and she touches your shoulder and it makes you happy that she touched you, then smile, jackass!), incorporate this sort of dialogue into bedroom sexy talk (if that sort of thing works for you)
Yeah, But Dude, Don't: minimize your reactions to her in favor of being Captain Cool Guy, assume that sending her a winky face and a heart via text is the same as looking in her eyes and telling her how you feel, value your ego over your relationship

8. Women enjoy attentions that are impractical, frivolous, immature, creepy, or otherwise over the top.  This one comes with many extremely important exceptions and conditions, but I'll do my best to explain by example.  Some of the most iconic and beloved romantic gestures of all time, when viewed under a practical and pragmatic lens, come off as way too much.  Romantic language is full of exaggerations and hyperbole which we all quietly understand to be false.  "I would go to the ends of the Earth for you."  Would you now?  Because last week you wouldn't go to 7-Eleven for me.  The Trojan War was fought over a woman.  That's fucked up.  Even far more recent shit - Lloyd Dobler outside Diane Court's house with a boombox raised over his head (playing the song to which they first made love)...it's a little stalker-y.  But it's still so romantic.  This is tied very closely in to #7.  Love makes you do stupid things.  It makes you go above and beyond the normal parameters of interpersonal relationships and do things that are counter-intuitive or just plain idiotic.  And if a man does those stupid things for a woman...well, he's affected alright.

That being said, there is a delicate balance here.  In Fifty Shades, when Christian's jealousy and need to control Ana interfere with her career and friendships, she is appalled.  They argue, sometimes repeatedly concerning the same issue.   But when his hyper-attentive nature matches Ana's needs, they are completely in sync and she delights in his affection.  How is a man supposed to know where the line is?  Well, you can guess or you can ask.  That's basically it.  There's no hard and fast rule.  If you think something would be creepy or way too intense, maybe don't do it.  But if your lady friend talks about how sweet it is that plastic bag boy from American Beauty burned Jane's name into the lawn...well, maybe it's time to invest in some lighter fluid and some good homeowner's insurance.  Basically, it comes down to combining two of a woman's needs: show her that you desire her by demonstrating how she affects you.
Get Some Tail: steal a line of dialogue or a part of a scene from a movie she finds romantic (avoid the Spider-Man upside-down kiss though...ugh), make a moderately-silly and immature romantic gesture like writing her a love note or carving your initials into a tree by your house, freely use hyperbolic language to talk about how you feel and what you would do for her (as long as it's based in real passion)
Yeah, But Dude, Don't: hurt yourself seriously while trying to be romantic (she'll just feel bad or maybe get embarrassed), draw attention to her if it makes her uncomfortable, exaggerate or demonstrate affection to the extent that it's disingenuous (don't use the L word unless you mean it!)

Springer's Final Thoughts: Notice how none of these points include things like "be super jacked" or "have a trust fund"?  That's because the basis of a real relationship is not that goddamned shallow.  Seriously.  Also, please don't start threatening to spank a girl on the second date...less than 1% of women would find that attractive, and it's much easier to suss them out on a website than it is to go through a hundred slaps in a restaurant before one lady gets all sex-ified by your proposition.  For now, it's time to wrap this up...it's taken me far too long to write this and it's already about ten pages too much.  Sorry 'bout that.

Lengthy Addendum: In my haste to end and overly-long post, I neglected to discuss directly the reason anyone gives a shit about this series: sexy time.  The love scenes in these books are without a doubt pornographic, despite the fact that E.L. James manages to avoid using any slang terms for vagina.  Thank god.  The success of the series goes to show that women like porn, too.  Most people, I think, assume that porn is something exclusively for men, and certainly they are the bulk of the market, especially for the stuff that's out there.  Men are often visual creatures, so videos of some 19-year-old "naughty schoolgirl" getting plowed on a desk by a moustachioed "professor" do the trick pretty well.  Senses beyond sight and touch are irrelevant, or at least secondary, and unless you're going to pay a hooker to touch you, then you watch some porn and do the dirty work yourself.  Some women work the same way, and god bless 'em.  I think most women, if you catch them in the right mood and show them a porn with at least moderately attractive people in it, are capable of being turned on by straightforward videos of sexual activity.  However, and I think I can speak for at least a significant minority if not a majority of women, there are a lot of ways that a porn can become a turn-off or just plain old sad.  Stilted dialogue and awkward interactions (verbal and physical) are bad.  Poor production value is bad.  Gross dudes are bad (obvs.).  Balls-flapping-in-your-face camera angles are bad.  Dispassionate sexy talk (especially extra vulgar for no reason) is bad.  Distractingly awful background music is bad.  And as we discussed earlier, women operate from a state of interconnectedness and everything-all-at-once-ness that differs from typical male compartmentalization; that means that distracting or unattractive elements in a porn make the whole thing bad.  And if you've seen more than a few pornographic videos, you know that this spells doom for the relationship between women and visual porn.

The existence of erotic fiction ameliorates or solves many of these problems.  There are no unattractive men, bad camera angles, distracting songs, or awkward interactions in erotic fiction (unless they are written that way, so basically never).  The person reading the story has to construct the scenario themselves given only the written word, which means that the translation from text to image is the best possible version for each individual reader.  What's more, it's far easier for a reader to insert themselves (okay, let's be honest, herself) into the scenario being described because there is no constant visual reminder that it's not you, it's the 19-year-old naughty schoolgirl.  Despite the lack of direct sensory stimulus with reading (relative to visual media, anyway, which at least gives you sight and sound), the experience of reading erotic fiction can be surprisingly immersive.

The problem with erotic fiction is that most of it is terrible.  The desire to write sexy stories seems to be practically mutually exclusive from the ability to do so well.  Bad grammar and awkward phrasing permeate most stories, and even the ones written with a competent grasp of mechanics are often plagued by issues of pacing, character development, organization, and clarity.  Although I cannot claim to have comprehensive knowledge of either pornographic movies or pornographic fiction, I suspect that there are just as many badly-written erotic stories as there are badly-acted/-produced porn movies.  Which is to say quite a few.  The prevalence of low-quality erotic fiction is one of the reasons that women don't interact with porn more often, though it's not even close to the primary reason.  While many criticize the writing in Fifty Shades, with its repetitive phrasing and some awkward prose, I can tell you now, it's the fucking Shakespeare of erotic fiction.  Not saying it's good writing.  Just saying.

This is only a theory, but I think it makes sense: women do not seek out porn because they are worried what it means if they do.  This has several sub-categories.  Women's misconceptions or preoccupations about porn (of all formats) keep them from accessing it: it's a guy thing, looking for porn makes me a slut, if I'm in a relationship then I should not want or need porn, porn is dirty (thanks Pilgrims!), porn is not for someone like me, and so on.  They believe that porn is only for the hypersexual ho-bags who have no morals (in fact, this is how many women starring in porn are portrayed, but that's another issue for another day).  For many women, seeking out porn means stooping to a lower level, giving up something essential and holy about themsleves, shoving aside the superego in favor of all id, all the time.  The negative associations with porn are legion and many of them stem from the Puritanical view of sex as a filthy and depraved act that should be suffered through rather than enjoyed.  In America, we use sex and sexuality to sell products and entertain ourselves, but when it comes to the act and the enjoyment of the act, we clam up, believing that sexual pleasure is something to be ashamed of, or at least hidden away in the darkest recesses of our lives.  We have become experts at sexual doublethink, much to the detriment of our own happiness and fulfillment.

Fifty Shades of Grey helps dispel some of the trickiest issues for women when it comes to porn and sex.  It is popular, so it becomes normalized.  It's written from the perspective of a woman by a female author pretty clearly writing to females, so it's not a guy thing.  Many of those who are reading it are married women who are neither over-sexed nor without morals.  Additionally, the way it is written and the feelings of the protagonist help ease women into a comfortable place with the story.  Ana has doubts and insecurities, she questions her own feelings but allows herself to take chances, and she has some of the same internal debates that most women would have if they found themselves in her extremely unlikely position.  She is a normal, successful, kind woman who enjoys sex with her partner (and often, that sex includes elements of kinkiness).  Her initially-shy conversations with Christian about her sexual preferences and desires - and, more importantly, his welcoming and open responses to her thoughts - model a way for women to open up to their partners about their sexual needs.  Even if she doesn't want her husband to spank her, for example, a woman reading this book now has access to a Mad Libs version of a conversation where she can fill in the things she does want and approach her husband about it.

This is why, gentlemen, you want your lady friends accessing porn.  While some of you may already feel this way and you want to high-five everyone you meet if your girlfriend is cool with acknowledging that porn exists, some dudes are more conservative, uptight, or just unsure about it.  What if she is going to porn because I'm not enough for her?  What if she prefers the guys she reads about/sees to me?  If she is feeling sexified, why isn't she initiating some boom boom with me?  How the fuck do you think she feels about your interactions with porn, ass?  Nobody is going to choose porn over a warm body in general.  Sometimes masturbation/porn is the answer to a given situation because the other person isn't available or the time window is too short or whatever (if you jack it twice a day, then yeah, porn becomes an essential survival tool).  But porn is nobody's competition.  So chill.  Do that whole "communicating" thing we talked about earlier and you'll figure it out.  But seriously, imagine that your lady friend watches/reads some porn, gets an idea for a new thing to do in the bedroom, and then tries it out with you and it's amazing?  You have porn to thank for that.  It's also a great way to open up communication about preferences - using the impersonal critiques of others ("Whatever that dude was doing with her feet was NOT working for me.") can be a safe and straightforward way to share information without hurting anyone's feelings.  Also, porn can also make excellent foreplay.  This only works if it's something that gets both people going, but when it works, well hoo boy.

While Fifty Shades is pretty clearly escapist fiction, it doesn't have to be a source of distance in a relationship.  Some articles about the series seem, at least to me, to characterize it as something that chicks read when they're unhappy, undersexed, dissatisfied, and bored in their relationships.  While I'm sure it would be a great temporary one-sided fix for that, this series does not have to be competition for or an enemy of a healthy romance.  A dude rubbing one out to a Victoria's Secret catalog might suggest that he is dissatisfied in his relationship, but more than likely it just means that the new bra line is rather flattering, and everything is fine.  If your lady friend is reading Fifty Shades and you're worried about what it means, just frickin' ask her if it bothers you that much.  Just please, I'm begging you, do NOT look up the basics of BDSM and then try to implement them with her sans discussion.  Nothing ruins a good book faster than a clumsy, poorly-executed version of the juiciest scenes.  Explore together; it's more fun that way.

Mud For Your Lives

On Saturday, May 5th, I participated in Run For Your Lives, a zombie-themed obstacle course 5k.  The anticipation of this event had been building for several months, ever since I heard about it back in the fall.  As I stated in my previous post, I had been developing some moderate anxiety about the event, the cause of which was not entirely known to me.  Hilariously enough, I inadvertently distracted myself very effectively in the days before the event by beginning the novel Fifty Shades of Grey.  If you don't know anything about it, well, let me tell you.  I have a long and pleasant history of reading erotic fiction surreptitiously on the internet, but never have I had such materials delivered to me via Amazon's Prime shipping service.  Say whatever you want about the origins of the novel (Twilight fan fiction - yes, seriously) or its not-overly-impressive prose, but I can tell you from experience - this is as well-written as this shit gets.  I'm not saying it's great, or even very good...I'm just saying that most people who write sexy stories think they're F. Scott Fitzgerald but are really just some dude named Scott.  I started the novel on Thursday night, the day I received it in the mail, and finished it today (Sunday).  I was genuinely disappointed last night that I was too exhausted from RFYL to stay up and read.  It's rather engrossing.

Back to the 5k.  I hesitate to call it a run because there was, in truth, not much running involved.  It had rained several days the week before the race and even on low-precip days, the cloud cover meant that not much drying was happening.  I knew to expect mud, but I had no idea what I was talking about.  When Dan, Marion, and I pulled into the Poland Springs parking lot after our delicious Friendly's lunch, we saw people getting off shuttle buses; they had clearly come from the event and seemed at least a little muddy, if only on their lower legs.  We knew it was going to be messy and neither Marion nor I wore any clothing we were worried about ruining.  We arrived at Amesbury Sports Park roughly a half hour before our wave start time, 3pm.  We checked in, stowed our gear, hit the extremely crowded port-a-potties (which we later realized were about 200 feet away from not-at-all-crowded ones), and lined up.

As we waiting to start, we nervously watched people descend the penultimate obstacle, a giant slip-n-slide of tarps down a huge hill used for snow tubing in the winter months.  Every so often, a runner would hit a bump just right and get launched several feet in the air, landing on their coccyx with cringe-worthy force.  Knowing that this fun but possibly painful "ride" was waiting for me was both exciting and disturbing - it also made me wonder, however, about the scale and painfulness of the other less obvious obstacles.

The first was very straight forward: climb up this big, muddy, steep hill.

It was probably not the best way to start out a 3.1 mile adventure.  The climbing was very tiring and I was out of breath fairly quickly.  Many individuals attempted to run up the entire hill, despite the fact that there were no zombies until you got to the top.  I guess they were trying to get a good time, but if I've learned anything from my foray into running, using up all your juice in the first two minutes is a huge mistake.

When Marion and I reached the top of the hill, we encountered our first handful of zombies.  It became clear that they had "zones" of coverage and that you had to evade them within a relatively small area (usually the width of the course with a depth of 5 or 10 feet).  We both got through the first two or three zombies without getting our flags taken, and we felt awesome about that.  Neither of us expected to "survive" the race, so getting around the first wave was a big success for us.  We even attempted to jog from this point to the next zombies, but soon after realized that this was neither wise nor necessary.  It was only a few minutes before the mud situation (and it was a situation) became severe enough to slow us to a walk at regular intervals.

Probably about 30 zombies in, we each lost our first flags.  We felt good about still having any, but the ease with which we had evaded most of the walking dead made us a little hopeful about our chances...losing a flag harmed those chances significantly.  After a little under a half hour, we encountered a water station.  I assumed this was the halfway point.  Which was cute of me to think.  In reality, it was roughly one mile in, or just under a third of the distance.  At this pace, we would finish in 90 minutes, or about twice my actual running 5k time.

The obstacles we encountered were actually sort of bunched together.  The first man-made obstacle was a crawl-through tube which was basically just a way to get your hands and knees dirty.  Immediately thereafter, two obstacles came back to back: a water pit (waist-high) and something which might have been labeled "Slaughterhouse" though I can't remember.  The slaughterhouse was a pitch black room which you had to enter via cut-outs in the front wall.  The bottom of the windows was about two inches higher than my inseam, so it was a bit more invasive than I anticipated.  The interior of the shack was completely dark and filled with smoke, which was a nice touch.  There were hanging wires that you could just barely make out in the dark - I assumed these were electrified and avoided them.  A few minutes later, there was a "maze" of several tall panels that everyone seemed to have figured out by the time we arrived.  Marion and I were separated at this time by about 50 people; she ended up caught in a bottleneck at the exit of the maze, where a dozen people crammed the doorway in an effort to avoid being the first ones to have to face the zombies just outside the maze.  I had no such bad luck, thankfully, though I must say that there were many sandy vaginas on full display at some of these bottleneck points.  The zombies seemed to respect the people who put in effort and tried to juke around them instead of waiting indefinitely outside the zombies' jurisdiction.

It was around this time that Marion and I got down to one flag a piece.  We saw lots of scumbags picking up lost flags from the ground and putting them on their belts, which bothered Marion very deeply - a Lawful Good if I ever saw one.  Most of these runners seemed to have gotten what was coming to them anyway, since probably 3 in 4 participants seemed to have lost all their flags by the end (official results peg the survivor percentage for the day at 17.6%).  Throughout this time, I kept my eyes peeled for "health packs" that were supposed to be scattered around the course (which would restore life as long as you carried it across the finish line).  It was not until the end of the course when we talked to other runners that we found out that the health packs had been removed from play because runners were getting into fist fights over them.  Considering it was a key part of the strategy, I was a bit miffed to find this out after the race, not before.  Even so, the chances of me getting one was slim regardless.

About 45 minutes or an hour into the race, I lost my final flag.  I acted as a meat shield for Marion as best I could during this time, but 15 or 20 minutes later, she ended up the target of a fast zombie and lost her last one as well.  Although we were disappointed to be "out", we both felt accomplished, especially since we made it almost to the halfway point (in Marion's case, I think at least halfway, though it's impossible to tell).  A lot of people we met at the end of the race had very whiny sob stories about how zombies had done such and such unfair thing or had behaved uncharacteristically, so it wasn't fair that they lost their flags, blah blah.  Some stories did seem genuinely bothersome (one dude had run at full speed past a zombie, accidentally hit a girl ahead of him, stopped to make sure she was okay, and the zombie came over and took one of his flags...that seems cheap), but for the most part there were just a lot of sore losers covered in mud.

And let me tell you about the mud.  By the time we got to the first water station, it was clear that our shoes (which were going to be donated to an on-site charity anyway) would be completely unusable after today.  Marion had some really impressive mud strata on her bare legs that differed in texture and color based on how old the mud was and how deep it had been.  Our shoes continuously threatened to come off in the deeper, gloopier parts of the course, and for other runners this was a reality.  Thankfully that never happened to us, but it very well could have.

After what I assume was the midway point, an obstacle in which we had to crawl under a length of sawhorse teepees in a sand pit (that's an obstacle?), there was a HUGE stretch of time in which we saw no zombies nor obstacles.  Most likely this was due to the terrain, which was hilly and dotted with trees, and had become completely liquid from the rain and the previous six hours of runners.  The slippery ground and all its unevenness made this easily the most dangerous part of the course, and not really in a thrilling way.  Our progress was very slow and treacherous, and my hand ended up going three inches into the mud on a few occasions when I had to catch myself from falling.  Ironically, Marion was doing better during this portion because she had aggravated an existing ankle injury early in the race (like, on the first hill) and was now enjoying the benefits of a cold mud pack on her ankle and the softest possible ground.  Even so, we were both becoming increasingly exhausted and we had almost no frame of reference for how far we had come.  We finally arrived at a second water station and figured we were two-thirds of the way through the race, a fact that was simultaneously dismaying and comforting.  "We're only that far?  Well, we know how far we have to go."

After a genuinely dangerous natural water obstacle (a stagnant pool filled with hidden logs and vines), we emerged to slightly drier ground and were at least able to walk almost like normal people.  We encountered many more zombies at this point and thoroughly enjoyed interacting with them now that we were already "infected".  We tried to act as meat shields for other runners, sometimes with no indication to the runners but often through verbal offers of assistance.  We were surprised and a little offended when so many people didn't even bother to acknowledge that we had spoken to them or offered help - and we're not talking elite runners here.  These were people who were just as slow as us and had only a single flag remaining, but still did not deign to accept the help of two eager zombies-in-waiting.  After a while, we stopped trying to help anyone and instead joked with zombies and sometimes gave undead high-fives (like normal high-fives, but with less oomph and more groaning).  Although some of the zombies were clearly bored and tired by this point, presumably having been there for a few hours, several were in on the joke, so to speak, and responded playfully to our interactions.  When Marion taunted a "pregnant" zombie with "hit her in the baby!", the zombie pointed at Marion like she was calling her shot.

After about 90 minutes, we arrived at the end of the course.  There were three obstacles stacked together at the end.  The first was an elevated water slide with wooden scaffolding to get you to the top and a big water tank at the bottom for the landing.  After that, there was the aforementioned slip-n-slide down the tubing hill.  At the end, which we did not see until we got right in front of it, was an electrified fence that had been pulled up to allow people to crawl under it with about a foot of clearance.  If Marion and I had had access to these obstacles, we would have finished in under 100 minutes easy.  Unfortunately, there were apparently several logistical issues with both water slides that caused repeated backups.  We waited for the first of the three obstacles for about twenty or thirty minutes.  We had cooled down completely by this point and were not looking forward to the pool of muddy water at the bottom.  Throughout the race, I had been coughing and and hacking (the remnants of my awesome cold from the end of April), often having to spit phlegm into the woods.  Caught in the crowd at the end, however, I was forced to spit into the muddy water in which we were all standing.  Ew.

When we finally approached the wooden lattice to climb the first slide, it became increasingly apparent that this was not simply a ladder.  The "rungs" were between three and four feet apart, which is a serious distance for someone not much over five feet tall.  Each step up was a significant effort, and at the top I had to launch with both feet and haul myself up to the platform, scraping my palm on the un-sanded wood in the process.  The slide was at an angle significantly steeper than I would ever go down on purpose in my life, and because it was continuously wet by a hose (like a traditional water slide), there was no good way to regular your own speed.  It was a short drop with a sudden stop, the stop being a disgusting muddy tank of water at the bottom in which I was completely submerged.  While I had managed to this point to go only waist-deep in any mud or water, there was no coming back from this.  Hours after the race, I went to the bathroom and found mud in my cooch.  This pit was no joke.

Perhaps the only moment - and it was but a half second - in the whole race in which I thought I might fail was when I got to the edge of the water tank.  The tank itself had edges over four feet high with no step or edge below that to use to exit the tank.  Without hesitation (or checking if I was about to kick someone in the head - yikes), I flung my body sideways onto the ledge and made it out, scraping my other palm on the wood.  Somewhere in there I also clocked my arm on something, which is the only serious bruise I have and happens to be right on the part of my wrist that wants to rest on the edge of the laptop as I type.  Ow.

After escaping the tank, we lined up for the slip-n-slide.  I had mud in my eyes, ears, nose, and mouth.  I had to use the few dry square inches of Marion's shirt to get enough mud out of my eyes that I could see where I was going.  After that, the real obstacle became the cold.  It was about 55º out, certainly not freezing, but we were exposed at the top of a hill and soaking wet.  We waited anxiously to go down Tailbreak Hill, if only to get closer to our changes of clothes.  The tarp system they were using was clearly flawed from design to execution, and constant fixes were needed to keep it in working order.  We were so cold that we began shivering, as did several others in line.  You can see the extent of the backup here:

That line wraps back around its full length, and considering that they were sending people down about four a minute with frequent two-minute breaks, we're talking a 10-20 minute wait at minimum.  Once the tarp problems became rather severe, some runners decided to run down the hill next to the slip-n-slide (also pictured) and jump into the mud at the bottom so as to "complete" the obstacle.  It took us less than a minute to decide to follow this course of action.  Although we didn't get to experience the ass-destroying power of the slide, we did get to warm up, and that was all we cared about at this point.

After one last treacherously muddy descent, we reached the final obstacle, the electrified fence.  Dan had been standing there waiting for us for over an hour, and had gotten a great chance to watch people harm themselves on this obstacle.  The electrified nature of the fence should have been obvious to everyone (there was a sign telling people that they were in the presence of an electromagnet, plus it was making a fabricated buzzing noise every few seconds), but many people went willy-nilly under the fence and allowed themselves to get zapped.  Dan's favorites, he later reported, were the people who touched the fence and jerked upward, causing themselves more zappage.

Once we crossed the finish line (2:11:51.9), we received our medals (the zombie equivalent of participation trophies), turned in our tracking chips, and headed for the "rinse off" area, which was a huge fan blowing cold mist.  It was rather ineffective.  We retrieved our gear and got into the changing area, and were finally given a chance to de-mud and get out of the soaked clothing.  It was here that I discovered that the interior of my sports bra was caked with mud.  Because, you know, that's normal for a Saturday.

Although Marion and I were not feeling super tired at this point, we weren't enthralled by the entertainment and food offerings in the "safe zone" and decided to board a shuttle bus back to the car.  From there, we went to the Ninety-Nine (at which point I ate my second chicken finger plate of the day - you know, a normal Saturday).  Dan mercifully stopped at a Dunkin' Donuts so I could get a hot chocolate, and we rode back to Boston feeling pretty good.  Upon discovering that Marion had never seen Thor, we pretty much made her come back with us to cuddle the dogs and get all Thor'd up.  We actually stayed up through the entire movie, which ended around 11pm, and Dan graciously offered to drive Marion home to Somerville (I have to give Dan props on the day - he drove a lot, stood around a lot, and then drove some more, and was cheery about the whole thing).

It was not until this morning, 18 or so hours after the race, that I discovered exactly what kind of sore I would be.  My hip flexors are completely shot.  I guess it makes sense that pulling my feet out of mud for two hours might mean that the muscles responsible for lifting my legs miiiight be a little tired.  But seriously...putting on pants is a challenge.  My glutes/hammies/quads all feel totally fine - it's just my hip flexors.  I hope they're better by tomorrow because having taken Thursday, Friday, and today (Sunday) as rest days means that I really need to get back into the gym.  I guess if I skip deads tomorrow, I can still do all the upper body work.  If I can climb the stairs to get to the gym.  Heh.

For now, it's nearly midnight and I'm already setting myself up for a very sleepy Monday.  My kids are finishing Feed tomorrow and it's sure to be an emotional conversation (they've actually become invested in the story, so the ending just might destroy them), so I need to be at the top of my game.  I'm sad that I already finished Fifty Shades of Grey today and have to wait a few days until the other books in the trilogy arrive this week.  Though to be honest, the way Dan reacted every time I went to read that book, you'd think I was eloping with the damned thing in Vegas.  Just goes to show you how men and women differ in their regards to erotica - men see it as the consolation prize if no ass is to be had, whereas women seek it out as a viable alternative/supplement to getting ass.  At least, in some cases, I should say.  Let's hope he gets a hold of himself by the time I start the second book.

Good night, all.  I'm still exhausted with a zombie hangover, though I'm happy to say I feel a quiet sort of accomplishment about finishing the event.  I'm much prouder of the work I did leading up to it, even if Marion and I did joke the entire time that training for a "run" was the biggest waste of time for this event.  I'm not done improving myself and my body, not by a long shot, and I look forward to finding new ways to impress myself.  For now, enjoy a little aesthetics: