The past couple of weeks have been strange, not in any single way but in a few dynamics. Dan and I went on the cruise, which was exactly as you would expect - lots of pools, beaches, fruity alcoholic beverages, overeating, the works. I feel bad when people ask me about the cruise; I have nothing remarkable to tell them. There aren't many stories. We went on a boat, which was exceptionally large. The boat took us to three islands, none of which had substantially different cultures from ours (and none of which spoke a primary language ahead of English). It was hot, but usually a pleasant kind of hot with low humidity. We got mildly sunburned on our shoulders. The food was good but not great, and the service was outstanding throughout the cruise, though I find it hard to center a story around Trevor being a really good waiter.
The real shift for me was that I was gone for something like 9 days. I was here, then not, then back again. I didn't do dishes or walk dogs or play Zynga games for that time. In fact, excluding some 3G usage in port and at the hotels, I was essentially offline for that time. It was pretty refreshing, but not something I found to be life-changing. I like being on a computer, just in general, but I don't find myself so Facebook/internet/computer addicted that I got the shakes on the cruise. I find it comforting, I suppose, to realize that my time spent online in any given day is not some warning sign or red flag suggesting a larger problem. At least, probably not.
The most surprising thing, I think, is that I didn't actually gain weight on the cruise. Yes, it was a relatively short period of time. But considering my two staple beverages on the trip were Coke and whole milk (not by choice...why are all hotels/resorts/restaurants obsessed with ONLY whole and skim milk? Do they not realize that many, many people drink 1 or 2%?), and considering that I had chicken fingers and french fries at least once a day, if not twice...well, I should have blown up like Violet in Willy Wonka.
Instead, when I weighed myself back at home after the cruise, I appeared to have gained a little less than one pound. A few days later, the pound was gone. And now, about a week and a half after getting home, I'm down another 2.5 pounds. Don't get me wrong, I'm delighted with these continued results (now down about 11 pounds from my heaviest), but here's the thing...
I haven't been doing, well, anything. I mean, I'm still avoiding going out to eat constantly, but it's hard because Dan's been home with me since the cruise (long story, but he goes back to work when I do), and his idea of "doing something" follows the formula of "getting food + x". So I'm not getting take-out every day, or even every 3 days, but it's still more than I would if I were only concerned with my own meals.
Also, I haven't been exercising. While some of this is laziness, and I assure you that I delight in laziness, the main reason I'm on the couch most of the day is that I fucked up my knee on the cruise. I don't know what I did, and I don't recall any moment where I was like "ow motherfucker, ow!" but we spent pretty much all day every day walking around (hence the lack of weight gain, I suspect), so it could just be overuse. The problem is that it hasn't fixed itself, despite me resting it a fair amount over the last 10 days. Most of the time it feels fine, but if I have it bent for a long time (like now, sitting and working at the computer), it can hurt rather acutely to straighten it back out. Walking is fine, but stairs make my knee ache a little.
The internet tells me everything from slight sprain/strain all the way to meniscus tear and ligament injury. I have a regular check-up in just over 2 weeks, so if it's not getting better by then, I'll check with my doctor, but for now I'm worried that overzealous exercise could make it worse. I've had minor knee problems (especially in my right knee, which is the injured one) since college, primary as a side effect of my weight, but nothing beyond soreness. I already have many knee braces/supports, none of which are the right size, because my knee isn't fat, but my thigh is. Apparently the knee brace companies don't realize that, other than athletes, the biggest demographic buying their products is We, The Fat. I need something that's 16" around the knee and 24" around the thigh...that is so far out of whack with the proportions of the standard sizes that I would have to get a three-figure custom brace made. And, well....no.
It's funny....my knee hurts because I'm fat. I'm fat because I don't exercise. I don't exercise because my knee hurts. How appropriate. Of course, losing weight is not a function solely of exercise, so restricting my food intake could be just as beneficial as cardio kickboxing in my living room.
The thing is...I'm not sure whether I should pay attention to my own assessment of my efforts or the apparent results of those efforts. If I listen to the scale, which says "good work!", then I should keep doing what I'm doing. But if I reflect on my eating and exercising habits, I don't find myself putting in nearly the amount of effort I'm capable of. When the results don't match the efforts, most of the time it's "I'm doing all this work but no weight is coming off!"...my 'problem' is substantially less upsetting, but just as perplexing. Is my metabolism just sort of awake now? Was I really snacking so much and eating such large meals before that it's enough to simply not eat like an asshole? Or is this weight loss the result of efforts from two or three weeks ago, and the rebound will appear soon enough?
I don't know the answers, of course. If I did, this blog would be called Smarter Than You. But for now, I'm going to put on the best-fitting of my ill-fitting knee braces and get ready for our friend to come over, at which point I have no doubt we'll order food. Sigh.
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