Diary of a Fat Girl - Episode 8: "I Did It, And So Can You!"

We've all seen the TV ads where celebrities and regular joes alike show their bitchin' before and after photos, demonstrating impressive weight loss and/or muscle gain over what seems like a short period of time.  Ripped abs, tiny waists, toned arms, all flexed in that weird one-leg-slightly-in-front-of-the-other-like-you're-hiding-a-boner pose. I got back into shape after my 12 pregnancies, and you can too!  Spend just 20 minutes a day, 3 days a week and you'll look like this!  Or, even more deceptively, just one pill a day is all it takes to achieve these amazing results!

The downright untruthful ads are part of our cultural zeitgeist, things many of us dismiss outright because we know that a pill can't do all the things that are promised.  That's not something that concerns me, at least not more than any regular ol' lie does.  The thing that worries me, and something I have noticed in forums on both myfitnesspal.com and fitocracy.com (especially the latter), is the attitude of "I did it - so can you!"  It's not that inspiration, motivation, or community encouragement is problematic; as a matter of fact, all of those can make a tremendous difference for people hoping to lose weight.

The problem I have is the implied message, real or assumed, that goes along with that.  "I did it - so can you! So if you're still fat, it's your own fucking fault, asshole!  Something must be wrong with you."  The implication that someone isn't trying hard enough or doesn't really want to lose weight is a huge source of guilt and shame for many of us long-time fatties.  Imagine how hard it is to exercise several times a week, care about every single food you eat and beverage you drink, and stay continuously focused on your health and diet.  [If you read that and thought, "That doesn't sound hard at all," stop reading now.  We have nothing to talk about.]  Then imagine how hard that would be if you also secretly wondered if you were capable of losing and keeping off any of this weight, remembered all the times before when you tried and failed, and felt like maybe your failures meant that you didn't deserve to be healthy and happy. [See: Diary of a Fat Girl: Episodes 1-7]

For many people, the psychological/emotional component of fitness has a huge effect on the physical results.  In my own experience of the last four or so months, I have come to treat my own habits and tendencies much like a drug addiction.  I take things one day at a time, I don't dwell on past failures, and I identify and deal with my various triggers (like walking by a delicious-smelling fast food joint on the way home while I'm rather hungry, for example).  While I can use moderation rather than abstaining 100%, in most other ways I have to use the attitude that recovering drug addicts use.  I am going through "treatment" as a whole person and doing more than just changing my body.  My attitudes, habits, and feelings are all changing too.  If I had approached this most recent attempt at weight loss without addressing any of the underlying emotional issues, it would likely be over by now, and I'd be comforting myself with an open bag of chips and a liter of Mountain Dew.  To put it plainly: for a lot of people, weight loss and health are emotional issues just as much as they are physical ones.

That's why I get my panties in a bunch when I hear people, whatever their intentions, criticize the efforts of other people.  It's one thing when a person posts a message saying, "I'm doing what I know is healthy but I'm not losing weight - please help me!"  But when someone posts saying, "I just starting doing this great cardio routine - here's hoping I lose ten pounds this month!" and someone else responds with, "Cardio isn't going to doing anything.  You should be strength training."...well, I get annoyed.  It's true that strength training not only increases muscle mass but also increases your metabolism (your body's fat burning potential).  So suggesting strength training is helpful.  But shitting on someone's positive, hopeful post by dismissing their choices as pointless...UGH.  Are you trying to derail people's efforts?  Are you trying to make people feel bad about themselves?

I suspect, and this is only based on my encounters and experiences, that most of these negative nancies have two things in common.  First, most of them probably include fitness and exercise into their daily lives as the norm, and range from fitness enthusiasts to full-on gym rats.  Second, most of them probably are not the people I talked about before, those for whom emotions tie in to physical fitness.  That second part is actually an extension of the "it worked for me" attitude.  People who like to be told, flat-out, what's what will tend to use that communication method with others.  If you want your friend to be brutally honest about whether this shirt looks good on you, then you will probably be brutally honest in a similar situation where you're the judging friend.

So the nay-sayers seem to have empathy problems.  They don't see the need to sugar-coat or carefully phrase their advice, because that's not what they would want.  They also don't see why people would find it difficult to fit exercise into their daily lives.  If they spend two hours a day exercising, why can't anyone manage a half hour or 45 minutes?  There are a lot of reasons that people find it challenging to fit in exercise.  Whether they work long hours, have a lot of household responsibilities, take care of kids, or just come home exhausted every day, many people have perfectly normal reasons that they find it hard.  Of course, the other side of this is that there are people who really do have the time but are creative geniuses when it comes to making excuses.  I can't find my other shoe.  All my gym socks are dirty.  It's raining.  I don't have a good playlist.  I have time to exercise but not to shower after, so I'm not going to exercise.  And so on.

The problem is that the nay-sayers don't distinguish between the reasons and the excuses.  They have, at one point or another, moved things around in their schedules to fit in a workout.  They have had bad days that still managed to include exercise.  They have decided to get up an hour early to go for a run.  So, if they did it, it's possible, and if you don't do it, you're a fuck-up.  Your best reasons are not good enough for them; they're horseshit excuses that are nothing but poison.  And they feel that by calling you on this bullshit, by pointing out what you're doing wrong and how you're fooling yourself, they are absolutely helping you.  And for some people, that's true.  Some people are whiny bitches who lie to themselves and need a Jillian Michaels right upside the head.

But not everyone responds well to that sort of treatment.  I know it's so cliche, but it's true: everyone is different.  Words of encouragement for one person might crush someone else's spirit.  Pushing someone to try harder could easily be interpreted as "you're not trying hard enough" or "your meager efforts are invalid"...not exactly motivating words for a lot of us.  I'm not suggesting that everyone just start sucking each other's internet penises and be Richard Simmons all the time.  Some people hate being coddled and don't respond well to positive, sugary-sweet sentiments.  But however you naturally respond to people and interact about fitness/weight loss, take a moment to consider who you're talking to.  What is the tone of this person's message?  Is s/he asking a question, or just posting a statement?  Is s/he looking for advice?  Will my comments and the way they are phrased be welcomed, and interpreted as intended?

Not all of those questions are possible to answer in every online interaction.  Everyone has been misunderstood at one point or another, and sometimes the best intentions end up with the worst results.  It happens.  But by trying to meet a person where s/he is at, and offering comments and suggestions in a tone that seems appropriate for the original post, you can minimize the possibility of those bad outcomes.  Maybe you don't give a shit about how your comments are received or whether people want positive encouragement.  Maybe you think that people who need careful phrasing are weak and should be forced to adapt to rougher interactions.  Sometimes the drill sergeant does produce stronger, better, faster recruits.  And sometimes Gomer Pyle fucking shoots the drill sergeant and himself.  Just don't be an asshole about it and we'll all be okay.