Diary of a Fat Girl - Episode 20: The Year in Fat

I'm sitting out on the back porch, sipping my Pepsi Max and enjoying the first non-deathly-hot-and-humid day in probably a week.  I've been empaneled on a jury for the last three days and it's getting exhausting - it's like being in a very, very long grad school class where at the end, instead of writing a paper, you have to decide whether or not someone goes to jail.  The weight of the responsibility and the absolutely horrifying details of the case have been wearing me down.  It is part of the reason that this post is a day late.  However, as I have learned over the past year, you gotta let a lotta shit go.  No biggie.  Woooooosah.

Upon re-reading my very first Diary of a Fat girl post, I realized that the introspective and conversational tone has leeched out of my more recent entries.  I could try systematically to diagnose that problem, but I think it's probably just that there have been no major things going on with my fitness/weight loss, and it's become pretty well incorporated into my life so as to become far less noteworthy.  To avoid such a fate here, however, I'm going to try something new.

Dear July 2011 Amber,

Hey, it's me, Future You.  As much as I would love to spend time telling you winning sports bets to make and shit like it's Back to the Future Part 2, I'm going to do my favorite thing - talk about me.  Er, you.  Or, uh, us.  Yeah, us.

At this point, you have a lot on your mind.  Thankfully, you did a smart thing and wrote some of that shit down, which was pretty helpful.  I don't know if you can tell yet, but it really did make a big difference to start writing about all the emotional, social, and psychological complexities involved in trying to lose weight.  Keep it up, and stay honest.

In a few months, you're going to join a website called Fitocracy.  No, don't join now; what did I just say? Anyway, this site is pretty neat.  The "exercise is a video game" element is cool, of course, but really what you're going to find valuable is the education and the community.  Most of the people there are super nice and supportive, and also have really good advice.  You'll have a lot of questions that feel like stupid questions, but the answers are waiting for you there, and no one will poke fun at you for asking.  Oh, and don't forget to follow Niobe back when she follows you.  I know you don't know her yet, but trust me, she's amazing and also posts really hot pictures of herself.  So...twofer.


There are some caveats to this whole Online Fitness Community thing, though.  You know how the internet tends to make totally normal people into assholes?  Well, even though I just said that most people on Fitocracy aren't dicks, it only takes a few to ruin it for everyone.  There will be petty arguments, judgmental douchebags, and lots and lots of elitist posturing.  People will make fun of ignorant individuals (many of whom fit into categories like curl bros and cardio bunnies) for being stupid, without seeming to recognize that those people are a) earlier versions of the cool people on the website who just haven't figured their shit out yet and b) the ones who need the most help and support, not derision and dismissal.  You will even laugh at, take part in, and initiate some of these fun-pokings.  It's probably because you feel super excited to know all the things you know now, and can't help but get elitist about it.  But knock it off.  It's not cool and it doesn't make you cooler to do it.


Also, a bit of education advice: don't stop learning.  Every few months you're going to feel like, "I just learned and incorporated the thing I was missing.  Now I have figured things out.  I know things now.  I have completed my learning."  Not only is this just stupid, but it also makes you slower to realize when you're starting to learn new things that you should pay attention to right away.  For example, right now you basically just do Turbo Jam for exercise, plus walking and sometimes a bit of elliptical-ing.  There's nothing wrong with any of those things.  In fact, Turbo Jam still kicks my ass, and I've been doing it for a year longer than you.  Well, not like a consistent year, but you get it.  Anyway, right now you think that you have this fitness thing sort of cornered.  Burn calories however you can, the end.


Well, that's not the worst way of looking at things, but you're excluding a lot of really fun, challenging, satisfying, and productive exercise.  Guess what?  When you're me, you'll be able to run a 5k no problem.  I shit you not!  I'm not saying that we become particularly speedy - in fact, our normal running speed clocks in around a very brisk walk - but we run now.  So that's kind of awesome, right?  But right now, I know you're thinking that running is fucking impossible and that just hoofing it to catch the T is beyond what can reasonably be asked of a person.  But that's before Couch-to-5k.  Trust me.  You won't start it until after the New Year, but when you do, it's going to blow your socks off.  Oh, and don't worry, the winter is going to be super mild.  That doesn't create a paradox if I tell you that shit, right?  Wait, am I my own grandfather now?  I don't really understand time travel.


So I guess what I'm saying is that you have to stay open to new things.  I know that we don't like new things.  New things are terrible.  BUT in this case especially, new things are awesome and we have to try them.  When you join Fitocracy and notice that everyone gets these crazy high point totals for lifting weights, you'll see what I mean.  The machines over by the cardio room are NOT the same as free weights.  I'm not going to bother schooling you now because you'll figure this all out (with a lot of help) later, but I'm just saying...keep your mouth shut 90% of the time and your eyes/ears open 100% of the time.


Unsurprisingly, I'm sure you realize by now, the whole exercise component of this is not the hard part.  Not by a long shot.  The fucking food thing is SUPER annoying.  Keeping track of food isn't really a problem, necessarily.  Soon Dan will get a food scale and you can go very OCD very quickly.  It'll help.  But trying to limit calories all the time can be a bitch, and you'll have to get used to what it feels like to be hungry.  Here's the cool part though.  You know how when you get hungry kind of suddenly, you can sometimes get light-headed and have a headache and get suuuuuuper pissy?  Well, when you stop eating shitty food for every meal and drinking full-calorie soda like it's a life-giving substance, that doesn't happen anymore.  Like, almost ever.  It's not something you'll notice right away (sort of like not being able to prove a negative), but eventually you'll realize that you just get hungry like a normal person, and nothing worse ever comes of it.  I think they call that "not being pre-diabetic."


But with all the up-sides to having more of a handle on the food situation, the problem is that you have to keep a handle on the food situation all the time.  The habits that you're worried about, where you eat terrible food in response to pretty much every emotional state and situation possible, those don't really go away.  I mean, I can't speak for July 2013 Amber (I suspect that Amber will be very busy, but I don't want to ruin the surprise, so I'll just say that good things are afoot), but July 2012 Amber still wants to eat chocolate and chips and fried food when things are rough, or when things are great, or when things are boring.  And as you know, those three states cover pretty much all the time.  So the battle to maintain good/better habits is something that's just part of our reality matrix now.  No use kvetching about it.  Just do the work.


And you do have to work for everything you want.  I know that right now, you're looking at skinny chicks on the subway or hipsters strolling Harvard Ave in the jeans that just seem to get skinnier by the day, and you're thinking, "why do I have to bust my ass to weigh 190, but those fucking shitbags get to be skinny while eating six McDonald's cheeseburgers and drinking fucking Starbucks 900-calorie frappuccinos all goddamned day?"  First of all, calm the fuck down.  There is no reason to get that mad.  Second, those people aren't actually healthy.  To your untrained eye, they certainly look healthy, and most of them would probably pass a standard medical exam with flying colors.  But they're not fit.  The double-zero girls would break in half if they tried to deadlift their own bodyweight, something you will accomplish next year.  The guys are just as weak.  Watch them run for the train or bus next time.  They huff and puff just as hard as you.  Having less mass means fuck-all.  Oh, and they're just as unhappy with their bodies as you are with yours.


This also dovetails rather well into a particularly important life lesson, and I'd love to save you some grief by imparting it to you now.  It's time to stop giving a fuck about what other people say and do.  I'm not saying you should go live in a cave and sever all social ties, and I'm not saying you should disregard the actions, words, and feelings of your loved ones.  I know it's been a whole year but I'm not a monster, geez.  What I am saying is that your bitterness about others' metabolism isn't helping anyone.  Neither are your judgments of others' habits and workouts, your butthurt when people online shit all over something you like (or were taught to do, or whatever), or your analysis of the way people talk to you about your weight loss and fitness schtick.  Right now, you give a LOT of fucks about that kind of thing, and it's a waste of time and energy.  It's a tricky game, because I just finished telling you to learn from people and keep your eyes/ears open, but life ain't black and white, baby.  Oh, and don't call people "bby" on Fitocracy - it's probably a Reddit thing that you'll never understand, but regardless of the origin, it's not part of your internet thing and there's no reason to appropriate it.  There is unbelievably immense passive pressure to conform on that website, and the last thing you need to do is start omitting an A because someone else did.  Everyone will still like you, it's okay.


One of the most important things you'll learn is that there are a lot of ways to do this right.  Everyone has their own "this is the right way" spiel to give, but in all honesty, fuck that.  If something helps and doesn't hurt, then it's correct.  That's a highly subjective and personal assessment, so things that work for you might not work for other people, and vice versa, but basically, don't start regretting shit like, "oh, why didn't I start lifting weights six months ago?" or whatever.  You will lose a bunch of weight doing mostly in-home cardio, and then you'll keep losing weight when you add a shitload of weight training and running.  You'll change  your calorie goals several times, going as low as 1200 and as high as 1800, and there are lots of days you go way over.  None of those modes of operation are The Right Way, per sé.  All of it gives you results that make you happy and healthy.  The whole year in front of you is full of teh win, and the ways in which you choose to execute that victory are all fine.  Don't start ranking your shit, like "oh, I am worth more today because I touched a barbell but yesterday I only ran so I wasn't worth as much."  All the shit you're doing is improving from where you used to be, so don't obsess over become more correct, more efficient, more acceptable to some unknown third party.  Somewhere behind all the lazy/indifferent/understanding/IDGAF in you, there's a perfectionist streak that gets really upset when something turns out to be less effective than you thought or when you feel you've wasted time/effort/whatever. Striving for your best is great, but there's no use getting upset about shit you can't change.  Use your energy for the future (hey, that's me!) and not for the past.


Oh, and with your squats, break from the hip first, not the knees.  That's half the reason you're so fucking unstable, and it takes you like 10 months to figure it out.  Flexibility couldn't hurt either.


Lots of love,
Future You