Diary of a Fat Girl - Episode 12: My Love/Hate Relationship with Social Fitness

When I was 15 or so, I discovered a newsgroup that would become pretty central to my development into an adult.  Alt.Music.Tool (AMT, for those in the know) was a place where most of the people were funny, intellectual, interesting, and willing to have lengthy discussions on just about any topic.  With the installation of a sweet (read: terrible) PC in my bedroom and my family's new cable internet, I was free to debate, joke, and socialize to my heart's content.  It was a nice change for me, getting involved in a sizable community of like-minded peers who consistently challenged my views and respected my opinions.

At least, that's how I like to remember it.  The reality, as the Google Groups archives will tell you, was not always so rosy.  AMT did indeed foster my communication and debate skills, encourage me to continue writing (since all discussion in the newsgroup was, necessarily, in text form), and connect me with some extremely awesome people.  But considering the emotional and psychological place I was in at the time, it also helped me develop some rather unfortunate habits.  Being one of the few females in that sausage-fest meant that I got a great deal of attention simply for having a pair of X chromosomes.  I often encouraged this attention by alternating between rather crass and bawdy humor and overtly sexual discussion.  By demonstrating that "I wasn't like other girls" - in that I listened to Tool, laughed at (and made) dick & fart jokes, and could hang with the fellas - I felt that I was standing out and showing how special I was.  I took any and all attention from that newsgroup to be a confirmation of that very fact.  I even entered into a long-term relationship with someone from AMT, which somehow lasted two years.  Remember that post I made about communicating in a relationship, where I talked about that boyfriend I had the epic fights with?  Yup.

The word "pedant" would have been good to know in 2001.

The high of being loved and respected (okay, maybe liked and acknowledged) was addictive, and I was deeply wounded if I felt it start to wane.  If someone who wasn't one of my "fanboys" made a really good counter-argument to a post I had made, and clearly did not give a shit about hurting my feelings, I was not happy about it.  It was as close as I ever got to being one of those "mean girls" who needs others to suffer in order for her to feel any self worth.  I took great pleasure in either berating non-allies until they gave up (or made a fallacious argument) or seeing those who were five or ten years older than me swoop in and come to my rescue.  It was pretty fucked up.  I was pretty fucked up.  But I loved that newsgroup all the same, and still do, even though I haven't participated in almost a decade.  For all of its and my faults, I would not have developed into the woman I am today without it, and I think I'm doing alright.

One lasting effect of my years on AMT is that I am sensitive to the vibes of any online community.  If there are forums, boards, or threads, I only need to read a few posts before getting a sense of which kind of bullshit is going on.  Because let's be honest...there is not a single online community free of bullshit.  Sometimes it's the elitist circle-jerk (love you, AMT).  Sometimes it's a sea of n00bs with insufficient guidance to help them along, leading to answer-less threads and a handful of frustrated experts.  Sometimes, and this is perhaps the most delicious, it's a war between two factions who can hardly remember what the disagreement was but will fiercely defend the "right" side.  Even if a board or forum does somehow get to the positive feedback loop utopia of helpful, kind, and happy people, the moderators and OGs have to police that shit like crazy just to keep it the way it is.  Which, in itself, is its own kind of bullshit.

When I joined MyFitnessPal.com in July of 2011, I did not see it as a community.  It was a place to track calories in and out, use a few calculators or tools, and call it a day.  I had two friends on there, both of whom I knew in real life, and neither of whom were particularly active on the site.  We left each other alone and I was happy with that.  But eventually, I couldn't help myself.  The front page of the site has recent forum topics listed, and there is ALWAYS some insane/desperate subject line like "Is 700 calories a day enough?" or "WHY CAN'T I LOSE WEIGHT?!?"  At first, I would tell myself that I was just curious and wanted to "make sure" that someone had responded to the question sanely.  Eventually I realized that I felt truly compelled to give advice, particularly in cases when the OP seemed to be incredibly ignorant but genuinely seeking help.  After Christmas, a new wave of users joined the site for their New Years resolutions.  I immediately detested all of these people, even though I knew that it was for no good reason.  My old elitism had kicked in and I was unhappy to be lumped in with all of these fools who thought that starting on a certain day held some magical significance that would make it stick this time.  I felt the same way when I joined a gym in January.  I joined because their deal was excellent, but I also knew that I looked like that guy, and I hate being that guy.

Unfortunately, my involvement in the social component of MFP combined with the influx of n00bs meant that I was suddenly exposed to hundreds of "bad juju" posts a day ranging from whining to panic to guilt to misplaced anger and self-satisfaction.  Dozens of people would post their plans and goals, some realistic and direct ("I'm going to eat sensible portions and go to the gym once a week"), some depressing and vague ("I'm going to show everyone that I can do this and I'm going to be perfect all the time from here on out!").  Worse yet, the responses to these goals, all meant to be encouraging and helpful, were helping even the least realistic people feel as though they had already accomplished something.  I have even seen people reply "Congratulations" when someone identifies their goals.  Congratulations for what?

Judgmental owl wonders the same thing.

 Yes, I know, just taking the first step towards a healthier lifestyle, deciding to actually do it, is a big deal.  But there are no participation trophies in this game.  When someone has a question, or is struggling through a personal issue that is making them evaluate their stress eating, or has been at a plateau for 2 months, I take no issue with the kindest and gentlest support.  That's what people need that website for.  But if you want people to give you digital hugs because you binged on Valentine's candy (after having binged on Halloween candy, post-Halloween sale candy, Christmas candy, post-Christmas sale candy, etc...) and you're looking to get talked out of your self-loathing...well, maybe that's what you need this website for, but I want no part of it.

When I joined Fitocracy in December of 2011, I was dismayed by the seemingly-uniform policy of "There's no crying in baseball!" - or rather, that consideration of emotions, effort, and psychology played absolutely NO role in any of the goings-on there.  I had swung from one side of the pendulum, where everyone was crying and hugging each other while sneaking chocolates, to the other side, where everyone seemed to get bonus points for being critical of each other.  Of course, both characterizations are grand exaggerations.  There are plenty of stable, normal people on both websites.  But stable, normal people don't stand out.  In fact, I have even found that I am completely surrounded on Fitocracy because even if I manage to get away from various dudebros, cultists, and aggressive advisors, the other side is still there: the Weight Loss group.  I had joined this group very early in my time on Fitocracy because the website is not at all designed for that specific goal.  If anything, it is designed for hardcore strength guys and bodybuilders.  And while I'm sure that I would look awesome with huuuuuge traps, that's not exactly me.  So I figured that supplementing the Fitocracy gameplay with some like-minded folk in the Weight Loss group would be perfect.  After all, the people on such a nerdy and weird website like Fitocracy couldn't be as unbearable as some of those MyFitnessPals, could they?

...could they?

They could.

While 70% or more of the posts in the group are asking for advice, telling funny anecdotes, or sharing successes, the other posts follow a pretty predictable pattern: "My scale says I am at (x) weight, which is unacceptable.  I did 15 hours of cardio yesterday so I should be at (x-5).  I'm having a crisis of faith.  Also, I ate a whole cheesecake while I was typing this."  Thankfully, most of the replies to this will be something like, "Stop weighing yourself everyday, lift some weights every once in a while, and put the goddamned cheesecake down."  Well, they're usually phrased more sweetly, but you get the idea. 

Instead of continuing to perseverate on all my harsh judgments of these people, I'm now turning the lens inward, as they say.  I think my feelings on this issue are so strong because of a combination of things.  First, ignorance drives me crazy.  Especially willful ignorance.  People being stupid about something is familiar - I deal with it every day with my students.  But so MANY people being the same kind of stupid can be very tiring, and it's far worse when they don't seem to want to listen to any advice.  So that's one thing.  On the other hand, though, I do think that I see parts of my subconscious reflected in the weaknesses I'm identifying in others, which bothers me.  When I see someone complain about how hard it is to stay within your calorie budget for the day when you're having a company lunch at work and then dinner out with the family, I respond in my head with something like, "oh, bitch bitch bitch, just do what you know you're supposed to do and ignore anyone who gives you shit about it."  And then I think about all the times I have rued the social plans that involve cooperative meals, felt serious anxiety about sticking to long-term plans given that my friends seem unable to imagine a hang-out not centered on food, or been annoyed when my co-workers bring in cookies for our staff meetings.  The criticisms I (silently) make of others are often things I have unconsciously said to myself - essentialy, STFU and get down to business.  I have indeed told myself about how much crying there is in baseball, and let me tell you, it is a very small amount.

Sigh...seriously though, this is our problem?

Maybe my eye-rolling and "Oh, FFS"-ing has a lot more to do with my concerns about how I'm perceived than I had initially thought.  God knows I'm paranoid about being a whiner or a blubbering heap of awful.  And trust me, I do whine, and I'm aware of it.  But I don't want to come off as worse than I am.  I don't really know why I care.  I don't know why it should matter to me if internet strangers roll their eyes and cuss about my weaknesses.  If I know that I'm there to do real work and that I've already lost a bunch of weight, why should it matter if it "looks like" I'm a New Years resolution person at the gym?  Why should I give a shit about what anyone thinks about my weight, looks, or efforts, ever?

The short answer is, I shouldn't.  It doesn't mean I don't - I certainly spend enough time picking out my hilarious, obscure-reference gym t-shirts.  But maybe if I spent a little less time judging other people, I wouldn't be so worried about getting judged myself.  This whole process becomes a lot simpler when you divide all concerns into two categories: things that will help me reach my goals and things that won't.  Worrying about other people's thoughts?  Won't.  Thinking badly of others?  Won't.  Being aware of my psychological processes and trying to maintain only the healthy ones?  Will.  Getting off my ass and finally cleaning the house because I kept saying "I'll do that on vacation" but it's already Thursday?  Definitely will.  Maybe instead of just getting up and doing the work, I should go to the forums and say how bad I feel about not doing the work...

[Okay, I still have some work to do on this whole judgmental thing.]